Goodbye to the man I used to fight hard for

The end of a relationship can lead to many unanswered question, unspoken doubts, and no closure etc etc. But personally I feel it's never fair for the other party for not knowing the truth, if one party were to take the first leave, he or she should tell the other party, isn't it? 

This is the second time I am going through ''no closure relationship'', yes I have many doubts that I really wanna know badly, but he refused to tell me, what can I do? What else can I say?

Nicholas is the first person to know that I fall out of love, before I could call him and started crying, he called me and rant this at me:

''My dear, I know your feeling shit right now. I know what your thinking right now, I want you to stop thinking of those things that you know I dislike. One bad point of you is whenever things goes wrong you will put all the blame on yourself. I watched you grow since school days, this bad habit of yours will never change''.

''I do not know what is the reason why this man want you to leave him, perhaps he has his own reason. Like you mentioned, maybe without him you will be happier''?

Yes perhaps his leave will be a better choice and option for me as I will be happier, no more doubting relationship, no more worrying what is he doing out there, worrying about his safety and of cause worrying what will happen to him etc etc.

Before I end and close my conversation with this man that I once fight hard for, I would like to express my feelings here. Perhaps he might not be able to reach here reading but then it might help me to move on better I guess.

To the man that I once fight hard for:
Thank you so much for all the sweet memories you have created with me. Thank you for pampering me like a small girl with my fav sweets, candies and chocolates. Thank you for making an effort to wake up early to meet me up for breakfast. Thank you for sending me home after our dinner. Thank you for making an effort to remember what is my fav food, fruits, drinks, snacks, chocolates etc etc.

I do not know what is the real reason that why you want me to leave you, but I know you have your reason behind, ''tired'' is just an excuses for you but not a real reason. Well I know in between us there are so much of misunderstanding, argument every few days, many things to face and encounter in future etc etc etc and etc.

Been 4 days since I last seen you or rather heard any news from you, I hope your doing good, as always. Anyway, I am happy to received your text this morning. I should be feel happy about it but in fact I don't, I am speechless upon receiving your text. I didn't expect this is how you look at me. I did explained in the past, believe it or not it's not up to me.

Take care!

给最笨最傻的傻瓜，明知道你不会来到这里看我写了什么，还是决定写。

笨猪！
谢谢你在这四个月对我的好，关心，疼，每晚吃完晚餐送我回家，很努力天天六点起床陪我吃早餐，星期天陪我出去玩，等等等等。看的出来你真的很努力天天早起，除了谢谢还是谢谢。

昨晚看了我们星星里的简讯，笑了也落泪了。很不舍得还是把简讯删除掉。

我不知道你为什么要我离开你，我相信你有你的理由你不想说我明白，大家明白两个人天天吵，为了小事吵，吵久了不累也会烦。我有告诉你理由为什么我会发那么大的火，你明白不明白我不知道。

我不知道为什么我们两个突然多出了很多隐瞒，我还是一样的我做什么都让你知道，就是怕你误会笨蛋。每次我生气后还是吵完架后你才把实话告诉我，为什么就不能坦白先呢？我真的不明白。

今天看了你的简讯，明白了原来你是这样看我的。很抱歉你错了，我比你还想知道是谁在惹事。用脑去想如果我要惹事我该嘛还要隐藏到那么辛苦，我只说最后一次我没惹事，信不信由你。我什么都不讲了，懒得解释，解释那么多你多不信我也没话说。

真的很想知道你是那么看我的吗？等你冷静后再让我知道，等你。

好好照顾自己。
:)

I am tired of how I used to fight for things that doesn't belong to me, I am tired of who I am, I am tired of being me, I am tired of putting a fake mask, I am tired of everything. Basically I am tired. Please take me away.

-Take me away-

我明明知道自己会想你，明明知道自己很想打电话给你，可是我自己知道我不可以。
As I know myself, I can't deny that fact that I miss you, can't denied the fact that I have the urge to call you, but I know I can't.

First post of the year

Hi everybody,

I am nearly a month late to update on my new year (2016) resolution. Not because I am busy but many things are going on happening around me that nearly kill me down. 

All I can say is I really hope and wish that everything will come to an end and everyone just move on in life and be happy, that is more than enough.

Anyway, I can conclude that 2015 is a bad year for me despite me achieving most of my wish list (resolution). 

This is what I wrote for 2015:

1) This is out as we have officially lease out the showroom to aunty Annie due to abc reason. 

2)  I have slim down and lose weight of nearly 20kg since last year (with some break interval of 3 months or more due to moving of our office). I have shared how I managed to slim down that fast in the previous blog post (http://ongzhiweieileen.blogspot.sg/2015/06/slimming.html) 

3 & 4) I have gotten my licence last year 31st July 2015, but it's not my first try la. 

5) I am still far away from saving up for my uni, I guess I have to delay my plan already. Saving up is so freaking difficult la. I am spending more than I save, why like this? I really need to think and work it out about this already. 

In the year of 2015, 
I met new people, be friends with them, start conversation with them, but I do lose some people too. Life fact: People come and go, true fact: I gain people in life and yes I lose some too. 

A big thank you to everyone who choose to stay and be part of me, watch me grow, standby me especially at my lowest peak of my life, no words describe how much I love you and how important your present and you to me. 

And not forgetting those people who choose to leave, I don't blame anyone but myself. Maybe because I am not a very good friend to you, that make you feel that our friendship doesn't worth any value nor commitment. But also thank you for the leave, you made the right choice as I didn't know all these while my commitment in this friendship is not appreciated.

Credit from my instagram @eileeonggg

Living the life I want it to be, I dare to say over the past 23 years, my life is filled with lots of happiness and of cause unhappiness too. I know I cannot go any further but to decide what is the best for me or rather my future. I sincerely thank you people for slapping hard right in my face telling me how much time I have wasted over the years, and I am working towards my aim and goals. I know I am late, but it's late than never right?

I feel so lousy or rather a loser in life. I am turning 30 in like 5 years time, yet I have achieve NOTHING in life. I do not know how did I come over the past 23 years, all I know is I have fall badly and I have stand up and be the stronger me, I have grown up mature as I got the experience from everything,  I have experience the worst scenario in my life, I got threat since young, I have the experience the darkest point of my life. 

As I mentioned earlier I am experiencing the worst nightmare in my life that I nearly lost myself or rather die. Out of sudden all my family members became the worst nightmare that the whole family mistaken me, scolded me, shouted at me, making nasty comments etc that hurt me both mentally and physically. I have no comments to start nor end this but all I can say is I am badly hurt by this. I do not wish to talk about this but one thing I would like to clarify: I have seen the whole picture clearly, at the last point in my life: I have no family members standing by me. How sad life my life is. 

Another thing I don't know if I should feel happy or sad about. I came to realized that all this while I am the silly one committing so much to this family yet what I got back is this. All I know is that my sister can do everything (including of hurting me from the front and back, so small actions behind me to get me into trouble, misunderstand, hurt) to get what she wants, including of me dying. This shows how great this sister is, and how selfish she is. It left me with speechless and I do not know what can I say.

Alright come to the conclusion of everything, I hope that everything will come to an end. Things can be 

Wish list for the year 2016:

I do not want to wish for anything but everyone happiness. 

This year gonna be a different year for me, Chinese new year reunion dinner became something meaningless for me, we still sit down together and eat but the purpose is no longer there but just eating. Do not wish to spoil everyone mood but to play along eating with them even if I don't like it. 

I am not going to do any birthday celebration with my friends and family this year. I want my birthday to be as simple as a normal day. No point celebrating everyone birthday if things got so bad and hurt each other so badly.

Eileen

I am tired,

I am really tired,

I am really really tired,

I am really really very tired.

I have done my best,

I have done my very best, 

I have put in my 100% heart and effort.

But what I get back is not appreciation  

but .... .... .... .... 

NOTHING

Nobody see my effort, what can I say? 

NOTHING!

What can I do?

NOTHING!

At the end of the day, what am I?

NOTHING!

July Combo!

A major update of this month:

It's a super happening month for me as well as others I guess.

10th July 2015 (Friday) Meet up with Zi hui for dinner at Jem. We had thai express for dinner. Since I am on diet, only salad and soup for me while zi hui had her green curry chicken with rice and li hui had tom yum seafood soup with rice. And I had tom yum oyster mushroom soup and yum yai (famous king Rama || of Thailand's salad) after dinner we went kino to get some books. So ya, Lin hui joined us too. At first it's kinda weird cause after so many months for not talking and the biggest fall out. It's kind of like awkward though.

11th July 2015 (Saturday) Went back to dad place for dinner. He cooked steam flower crab, fish and stir fry broccoli. After dinner, impromptu movie Ju-On 4 with Serene. 

Not really a nice movie, LOL! Not scary at all but the movie background music make it scary la. 

13th July 2015 (Monday) Meet up with old man for dinner at Clementi 321 (new mall). We had our dinner at Saizeriya, a french restaurant. Old man had  carbonara pasta as main dish and I had grilled salmon. We add on tuna salad and pineapple bacon pizza to share. But I had only one slice of pizza and he finished it all the last 3 slice. 

The food so so only, but old man say his pasta is not nice, very dry. But my salmon seems okay, not too hard and quite big share too. 

Most importantly, the food waiting time quite fast and the price is quite affordable too. 

14th July 2015 (Tuesday) A movie date with sister's. Jurassic world. A super nice movie that really worth watching. I don't mind to watch it in 3D. (Thumb up)

15th July 2015 (Wednesday) Back for my lesson after a month of rest. FML I made so many mistakes like U-turn all. I tried at least 8 times of U-turn till I wanna vomit la. 

17th July 2015 (Friday) It's suppose to be a ph, but we are working. So yeah we are OFF on saturday. Made the plan to go cycling with Serene and sun tanning too. 

19th July 2015 (Sunday) A long waiting day since May.

I can't wait for it. 

Will do a update soon for this.

Eileen

July Books!

Back to the hobby of reading books. I hate reading since young but only started reading when I entered secondary school. Perhaps because of the people (friends) around me like reading. 

Chinese Cinderella (the secret story of an unwanted daughter) by Adeline Yen Mah was my first book which mum brought for me in Sec 2. I never want to own a book cause I know I will neglect it and dump it aside. I rephrase myself: my hobby don't last, it's just a minute thingy. 

This book is introduced by a friend Kai En. She told me it's nice and worth reading, so I pick it up at popular and started reading it after mum paid for it. It hooked me on for a week when I started reading cause the story is really good and sad. If I don't remember wrongly, I read it at least 3 times. 

Chinese Cinderella (the secret dragon society) also by Adenline Yen Mah, the first book I buy with my own pocket money when I am in Sec 3. But it's being loan by a friend (Can't remember who), but it didn't come back to me after lending. Shit that person.

The third book that I finished reading years ago when I am back in ITE (19 year old). Can't remember the title of the book, but snap a picture of it and upload it tomorrow when I am in the office. Mum brought it from popular promotion I think. 

This is the book I am referring to. Daddy's little secret by Tina Davis.

It's about a girl who got rape by her brother at the age of 14, and she got pregnant and refused to say her brother is the father of her child. And how she actually exposed her brother and lead a life after that and blah blah blah. It's similar to Teresa Middleton stories, (not so sure that if it's the same book or not.)

The fourth book I finished reading 2 years ago while on my flight to bkk. The best I could by Subhas Anandan. He is a famous prominent lawyer in Singapore that appeared in numerous high profile case. 

The fifth book I finished reading. One more chance, true story of Benny Se Teo. Brought this book months back, and completed reading in a week time. Worth reading too. 

The sixth book I have finished reading a week ago. Unstoppable (the incredible power of faith in action) by Nick Vujicic. A nice book that worth the time reading. Like the way he relate stories to inspire people. 

I brought it last year at the airport, but didn't touch it until recently.

Brought this two series from kinokuniya last week. Stand strong (you can overcome bullying, and Life without limits.) Haven't start reading it, cause I am currently reading 

this book. Used to be by Eileen Cook. It's actually Serene book, but she is not reading so she lend it to me first. It's a nice romance book though. I am less than half way.

Yet to complete this book, Breaking Night by Liz Murray. Reasons for giving up halfway through because I don't really like the stories, but I swear I will complete this book after the book I am reading now. 

I am going to purchase these two books (Love without Limits (A remarkable story of True Love conquering all) and Limitless (Devotion of a Ridiculously Good Life) after I finish all the books as mentioned. Still have 4 books more to go. Actually hor I plan to get this two books first then add them in the collection, only start reading when I actually finish reading all the books. Idea right? 

And also I completed two Lee Kuan Yew book. I can't remember the title of both book. One of it is at aunt place (the one I finished 2 years ago after my bkk trip) , and another one more I finished it in Feb this year during my Boracay trip.

Need to clarify first, I am not showing off that I am good at reading, but just sharing what books I have read for the past years till now. I can never be a good reader because like I mentioned earlier: my hobby don't last long, it's just a minute thingy.

That's all for books. Will continue reading more of it. Will update more after buying more books. 

Eileen Ong

Slimming process 2015

Going to write up a post of my diet plan and what I have achieve so far.

I started gaining weight ever since I started my full time job, the appetite of mine increased and I started having tea break and snacks time, and this explain how I gained at least 10kg in a year or more.

The difference between a full time office lady and a student: 

During school days, after my breakfast (1^st lesson break) I will walk around the school with the class cliques before going back to class for lesson. But office lady cannot la, after breakfast have to start working.

After lunch (an hour) usually I am the late queen in class so after lunch we will roam around lot one or somewhere near school before heading to class. But office lady cannot la, after lunch WORK AGAIN.

After tea break (1^st break after lunch) as usual we will roam around the school before going back to class, but office lady after tea break work again la. Sometimes I even go for 2^nd tea break -.-''' 

I have more flexible time after school, we will follow our plan to go swimming every Friday afternoon cause our lesson end at 10am. Or sometimes to fly kite at the nearest multi story car park. During school days we have PE lesson once a week for 1 and the half hour, our class lesson are schedule either gym, sports or swimming.

But ever since I started working, I started being very lazy to work out even on Sunday (my free day). So normally I sleep my whole Sunday away every week. Yes blame nobody but myself for being so lazy. 

In life there are no ugly girl but lazy girl like me. 

Photo spamming time, no judging please. Luckily enough to get back all my old photos from facebook. 

Taken in 2011. 

(At the children park at North point, when I just started schooling in CW)

Taken in Jan 2012

(2nd semester in year 1)

Taken in Feb 2012 

(Samuel 21st birthday outing to the zoo)
(Can see this part whereby I started gaining some fats)

Taken in Oct 2012 

(4 months after I started my full time job)
(It's pretty obvious that I gained weight, look at my face, the FATS)

Taken in May 2013

(This one no need say, my double chin betrayed me.)

Taken in Nov 2013

(This one even worst, my neck and double chin cannot maintain)

Taken in Jan 2014

(I have started to kick off some FATS.)

Taken in June 2014 Father's day dinner

(My face cannot make it)

Taken in Dec 2014 (Dad's birthday)

(better off than the one taken in June)

Taken in Feb 2015 (New year)

(My tummy fats cannot make it)

Taken in Feb 2015

(A close up of my fat arm, tummy and double chin cannot make it)

Taken in May 2015 (My birthday)

My cheek line is back woohoo!

My face is no longer that round anymore. 

Taken in June 2015 

Barney brought this rabbit top for me years ago, 

at first I can't fit in, but now tada I can fit in already. 

Taken in June 2015 

(See my face got V shape line)

Let me share about the process of my slimming. 

Firstly, I want to clarify that I am not taking any slimming pills or drinking all sort of drinks to lose weight but in fact I went for slimming treatment session. No pills no nothing but just some machine to soften my fats and most importantly I have to avoid high carbo food like rice, noodle, deep fried food, soda drinks, saying NO to almost all my favorite food like snacks, chocolates, pig trotter with rice, but kut teh soup, braised meat with extra chili, oyster omelette, durians, stringray with extra extra sambal chili, fried cutter fish, fried nuggets, and mac spicy. (Good food always make me drool.)

Personally I am a good eater, I enjoy eating food especially small snacks like chicken bites and tidbits. I tend to eat more whenever I am feeling down or upset. By thinking food make me happy. 

I have this bad habit of eating supper late night, as my family have this habit of eating dinner late or heavy supper every night. In the past I used to have nasi lemak, fried bee hoon, or any zi char noodle or fried rice for supper and head back to sleep after eating. (That's explain how come I gained weight)

Plus I myself have this regular constipation problem, the doctor suggest that I need to take more veg and high fiber food but still not showing improvement till my aunt brought some Chinese medication from pharmacy to cure my problem, after I have not been going toilet for 3 days. The first time I tried, I encountered bad diarrhea for a day, it will not take effect immediately but at least 8 hours later. But feeling better after flushing out all the ''shit'' inside my intestine. My stomach feel softer and no longer feeling bloated.

And also few years back, I am admitted to the hospital due to serious constipation, at least a week not going to the toilet. Did many check and scanning, doctor diagnose that I have impacted stools accumulated inside my intestine. Impacted stools can be very serious if the shit is accumulated inside for very long, the intestine will 'explode' or 'rot' inside us. 

Online research saying that nowadays youngest like me getting impacted stools is common. Reasons like:

1. We don't poo daily or when we have the urge of going we tolerate it and ''store'' it inside us for long.
2. Many people not willing to actually spend extra time in the toilet to clear all their bowel yet their ''store'' their poo inside them for long. 
3. No time for toilet due to abc reasons etc.
4. The food we eat is not digested and it became hard like stones. 
5.  The food we consume everyday. (Too oily, too salty, too sweet)

The start of this diet program I challenge myself, I almost give up. Almost every night I go hungry. Having difficulty going to sleep with empty stomach. Luckily enough that aunty gave me solution to solve my hungriness, she intro me this Horlicks Fiber Up drink (picture below). 

For someone like me, after having so much of food for the past 20 plus years, a sudden change of diet meal from a meal food of carbo to all simple light food like salad, veg, fish soup, and small portion of meat. The hardest feeling of saying 'NO' to all my fav food and not touching them on table but just staring at them and tell them 'no!!! I will only eat you after my diet plan success.'' 

In fact I had hard time adapting the changes from a big eater to the veg small eater. Replacing all my carbo with broccoli and veg with fish soup or yong tau foo soup. 

This drink is super yummy, it's not very sweet and it smell nice like the normal horlick. $5.90 for 10 sachets. I drink it for both breakfast and supper. 

By looking back at these photo, seeing myself changed from size M >L > XL > XXL > XL >L > M (on the way now) I don't know what should I comment about but just shake my head and speechless. Frankly speaking, I didn't realized the change in me, till my family and friends around me telling me that I have gained weight. But as times goes by I started realizing that I can no longer fit into the old clothes of mine and the fats on my arm and tummy seem to be bigger than before. 

I promise myself that I will NEVER want to go back to the extra 10kg plus plus plus size.  

Eileen 

Mid June!

First half of the year have come ended. So far I have yet to achieve anything but just slacking all throughout. Shit everything!

Combo update of May and June.

Have not been going to the showroom for nearly 2 months coming 3 months I think, cause I am in the office doing flyer ad artwork, prices comparison, prices of each brand and some sort of things that have to be completed soon.

1) 09th May 2015 - A big thank you to Zi hui for helping me to purchase the big bang made concert tickets online cause I am not convenient to book that day. I am so excited and looking forward for July.

2) 25th May 2015 - Annoying dad fall sick and wanting me to take him to the hospital. Accompany him there and as usual it took super ultra long to go for all test and all. So Jean came down to accompany him for awhile and we both cab back to work. 

So conclusion is, he is having fever. We are worried that he might contact with dengue but heng just virus infections. Asked him to admit hospital so that they are nurses and doctors around, if he is unwell or whatsoever at least someone professional is there to help out. But he scare to be alone etc (his favorite lame excuses)

That's all for the updates for May.

1) 1st June 2015 - I did the 20 facts about myself on my Dayre. Kind of lazy to type it out everything but will try to screenshot the picture and upload on the next post.

2) 10th June 2015 - Sign up for the dc league run with Zi hui and Serene, upcoming in Aug I think. I am representing the batman. My favorite super hero. I also brought the superman singlet too. My top super hero since young. 

Anyway, Happy birthday Nic. 

 

3) 11th June 2015 - A super happy news for me to share with everyone. I have kick off 12kg ever since I started my diet and slimming. After 3 months plus of saying 'NO' to all my favourite food. I do feel sucks whenever someone tempted me with nice food but I have no choice but to say no. 

4) 12th June 2015 - A short meetup with Zi hui in town to get the father's day present and had our dinner. 

Tried the saladicious that bongqiuqiu intro on her blog. I tried the salmon love, comes with romaine lettuces, Japan cucumber, cherry tomato and teriyaki sauce with extra avocado topping. It taste good and the cucumber is really crunchy and the salmon is really big chunk as mentioned on her blog. Worth the money la, $8.90 for the small one but it's really big share. Gonna try the other salad during the next visit. 

5) 18th June 2015 - Did hair rebonding after work yesterday. Kind of like regret cause I don't look good with it. Flat hair like hll and princess. Sigh!

Another thing that I am happy about is that after so many years of not getting any updates and news from this good friend of mine back in sec school days. He is Xin Hao. 

I do not know what had happened to him years ago, that cause him to go missing for so long. But I know it's something that he might not wish to let others know. It's alright, everybody do have a past, so why judge right?

I am really happy to know that he is doing good now, working as a cook in a Muslim western coffeeshop. I can tell that he have changed. To a better person that before. The Xin Hao I used to know is a student that slept throughout the whole lesson always, late for school everyday, smoke and tuck out his uniform in school with his long dyed hair. 

I really hope and wish that this will last and he will be forever the good man that can lead a carefree life like now. 

Proud of you my dear friend. 

That's about all for the major update. Mostly all my time are spend at work, nothing interesting to share too. 

Have a good weekends everybody. Happy TGIF too.

Eileen

Happy Birthday to MJ and me!

##Hashtag

#eileenis23 #13052015 #happybirthdaytome #happybirthdaymingjie 

Happy 23rd birthday my most annoying twinnie brother Ming Jie and me.

It's a bless to know you in life and be one of your annoying sister too. Thanks for your encouragement during the weakest peak of my life though it's just a few simple words nut it mean alot to me. Once again, thank you! Have a blast and enjoy your special day twinne. 

Happy Birthday and love you! 

A big thank you all my friends and family for all the wishes. Appreciate much! 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everybody (my family, my friends and my buddy) for being part of me for the past 23 years of my life. Witness the growth process of me from a infant > toddler > kid > teenage > adult. Most importantly not giving up hope on me but staying by my side when I need them during the lowest peak of my life.

To many, we may not be as close and comfortable as how we used to be in the past (Schools or outside), but I hope that memories remain just like how I keep all my memories in me. I hope that there will be ONE day we are going to be reunion as one again. 

And also I would like to apologized to anyone that I hurt them with my words for the past one year. I am really sorry! 

Celebrated my advance birthday 
(9th may) with old man @ Paddington house of pancakes 
(10th may) with my dad @ Pizzahut for lunch, and mum @ Sakae sushi for dinner (together with mother's day).

#throwback 
Present time! 

From old man :)

A Instax photo printer

Charles and Keith Bag from Jean 

Ang bao from aunty May

My 1st birthday cake from Jean and Serene

The carrot cake from the french table @ north point

My 2nd cake from Serene and Jean

The rainbow cake from the french table @ north point

They surprise me by telling me the cake is only available for take away but not for dine in, I actually believe them cause I know some cafe they only sell cake for take away only. 

My 3rd cake from Serene

The strawberry pie cake from Hans

Look at the awesome big strawberries. Super nice la.

Hello watch!

Got this watch for my birthday present. 

Welcome to my collection.

Ending my birthday with peace.

How I am going to spend my day or celebrate my day, let me tell you .. .. .. ...

Firstly,

I stayed up late till 0000hrs just to be the first to wish mj this year (cause he is always the one who and wish me every year) despite me feeling so dead tired and unwell with my dry throat. 

Catch up with my drama and managed to sleep in at 2am plus plus plus. 

Woke up at 7.30am, nua on bed replying texts messages and all.

Wash up and get ready for work at 8am 

Had my birthday cake that Serene got for me yesterday and then left home for work 

Meeting Serene for dinner and then back home to rest and enjoy my show, and SLEEP. 

That's how I spend my birthday this year. Ya I know it's boring but I just enjoy being alone on my birthday. 

Eileen!