Nightmare :(

Too many things happening around recently. I cried and tears. Live with fear, hope and pray that tonight is the last nightmare it gonna be. Not many people knows what happened but only Lin Hui, Pei Ying and old man knows what is going on. Understand my situation and feel me. I really don't know who can I actually talk to. Grandpa wasn't around that day, the only person I thought of is old man.

I text him and check if he is free that night? Can I meet him? I am very sad. He came down though he is tired after studying so hard for his exam. The moment he came, I told him exactly what happened. I cried badly and he pat me like a small girl telling me: Everything gonna be alright. Rub my arm when it's warm, rub my hand when it's cold, pat me and calm me down like a small girl. Listening to me talking, sharing my hidden secrets that I buried for more than 10 years. He is the first one in my life knows it. 

I really never had this kind of nice and comfortable console before. Perhaps because I don't have any brother. And also I am always the quiet one, never want to share what is on my mind, and deep inside my heart. Friends always say: I never give them chance to understand me. Understand one person or animal is not easy. Efforts and heart play a part too. What I ask for is someone who can truly feel me (inside and outside) , see through me - tell me " I know your not alright baby " . I know it's not easy to find one partner that can share everything together. I know. That's why I dare not ask for more or anything. 

I really do envy those girls that have many girlf around them. Unlike me. From young, I am always close to guys. I understand and feel guys more than girls. I also want to have girlf that I can talked to when I need them, chill with them and share with them what's going on with me and such. But I can't. I scroll up and down my contact list, the only girlf I have it's only my darling Zi Hui, Lin Hui, and bao bei Pei Ying. Who can truly feel me? It's only Pei Ying and Lin Hui, because they been through the same situation as me before. I took their advice and I move on from there.

There is a classmate always complaint because I always do comparison. Fine! I am not gonna do any comparison between him and the other person. I had enough of it too. If he can take it, Good. If cannot, too bad for him and me. I made myself very clear already. By now, I believe he already know he is the same as other classmates. When there is benefits in me, Eileen is there, where there is no longer any benefits, goodbye Eileen. I don't blame him, because it apply on my other classmates and friends too. Perhaps I treat other too good, that's why they can take advantages of me so easily now. Blame myself for that. 

This is what I want to say before I end this topic and move on to the next one. 

Dear classmate,

We are in the same class for almost a year. Been through so many things. How much you understand me? To you, if I smile, laugh, talk in class means I am alright. If I cried means something is wrong. True! When something goes wrong, who don't cry? I bet you do too. You always say I never give you chance to understand me. My question to you is: Do you think you deserve it? For the whole of one year, whenever I am not happy, did you ever give me a solution? Help me? Guide me? Bring me out from darkness? I dare to say no. But only smile at me. Seriously this is not what I want. I can only say till here... The rest is up to you to think and say. No matter what happens in future, I will remain quiet and never say anything anymore. 

With Love,

Eileen.